14 Ways To Practice Empathy - Rachel Fintzy Woods

Are you the type who instantly attunes to another person’s experience and seemingly knows the right things to say and do? Or do you secretly wonder if you’re just lacking in the empathy gene?

Empathy refers to the capacity to comprehend and other people’s feelings and emotions. It is a vital component of building and maintaining healthy relationships, both personally and professionally. As stated by Matthieu Ricard, Buddhist monk who has been called “the happiest man in the world”, “Empathy is the faculty to resonate with the feelings of others. When we meet someone who is joyful, we smile. When we witness someone in pain, we suffer in resonance with his or her suffering.”

Our ability to empathize enriches our personal relationships. When we can understand what other people are experiencing, we’re able to connect with them and really see into their world. The other person is likely to feel accepted as they are, as they explore and clarify where they stand on an issue. Through practicing empathy, we also improve our ability to identify emotions in ourselves.

Empathy is about meeting someone where they currently are. People need to know that we get and appreciate where they’re at, and that this registers with us on an emotional as well as a cognitive level, before we move into comforting, encouraging, or giving advice to someone. Yes, our very presence and attunement with the other person can be immensely comforting, but we refrain from saying such things as “it’s going to be okay”. How do we know that to be true, after all?

While some people may naturally be more empathic than others, various factors influence our level of empathy.

For instance, studies have shown that we tend to feel more empathy for people we consider similar to ourselves and towards people who we believe to be acting ethically.

There may also be a genetic component as to why some people seem more empathetic than others.

In addition, there is almost certainly a large environmental component. We learn a lot from the people who raised us and with whom we spent a lot of time early in our lives.

Did our parents and other caregivers pay close attention to our feelings and acknowledge our emotions? Did they offer words of comfort and acts of service? Or were they self-absorbed or otherwise disinclined to show us compassion? Was perfection demanded of us?

Were we told that “crying is for weak people”, “you’re not sad, you’re angry”, “cheer up, don’t be sad”, or other things that discouraged certain feelings or confused us as to our truth?

Did our mother frequently disparage herself for carrying some extra weight or for her penchant for desserts? Did our father retreat into stony silence or binge-drink rather than express his fear or disappointments?

It’s hard to develop empathy if we haven’t had good role models of compassion and self-compassion.

True, some children manage, like little sprigs of grass growing through cracks in concrete, to develop empathy all the same, but frequently we are stunted in this capacity without early-life encouragement and demonstrations of empathy by others.

However, we humans are resilient beings. The fact is that according to research, 98% of people do have the ability to empathize.

All the same, we don’t always exercise our full empathetic abilities. Fortunately, there are things we can do to strengthen our empathy skills, such as the following:

Some ways to practice empathy:

Ask someone how they’re doing, and truly watch and listen to their verbal and non-verbal response. Remember that a person’s body language and tone of voice often tell the true story.
If the person says that they’re “fine” or “okay”, or some such short or vague response, but their non-verbal signals indicate otherwise, consider inquiring further with something like “No, really, how are you?”
Let your heart and intuition be involved as well as your head – empathy is soulful.
Be single-focused. Don’t multi-task. Put away your phone. Make eye contact. Face the other person in an open posture (for instance, don’t cross your arms).
Focus on what the person’s words and feelings mean to them and let them gradually arrive at their own truth, rather than giving your opinion or what you would do in a similar situation.
Acknowledge what the other person is saying as well as the associated feelings. You could do this by paraphrasing what you feel they’ve conveyed to you, such as, “You had really wanted this job to work out, and now that you’ve been let go, you’re disappointed and also concerned about making ends meet”. Get a sense from the other person as to whether you truly understand where they’re coming from.
Remember that validating the other person’s viewpoint does not necessarily mean that you agree with them.
Develop curiosity about other people. Consider what their past experiences might have been, why they might have adopted certain habits and ways of being, and what they might want most in their lives. In other words, mentally and psychologically walk a mile in their shoes.
Read fictional novels with rich character development, to practice having points of views other than your own. Mentally enter the worlds and perspectives of people with lives that are vastly different to yours.
Strike up conversations with strangers who might be standing in line with you at the grocery store. Show curiosity and learn something about them. Also, notice if the other person doesn’t seem inclined to chat, as this too teaches you empathy for their feelings.
Broaden your social circle, to develop a sense of “we-ness” with many different types of people. Refrain from making snap judgments or falling prey to stereotyping. Consider the similarities rather than the differences between you and other people.
Notice your own emotional and bodily responses to what you’re learning from the other person. Does your heart rate speed up? Do you feel exhilarated? Weighed down? Be a compassionate witness to your own experience.
Practice focusing on what’s going on around you (sights, sounds, etc.) as you go about your day, rather than being preoccupied with your own internal world. Pay attention to people, buildings, cars, parks, whatever you experience. Play the part of a compassionate detective who is gathering information.
Look into volunteer opportunities in your community. So many people need help, and by lending a helping hand you can learn more about segments of the population you might not otherwise have considered.

Through developing empathy, you can be a soothing and healing presence, wherever you go.