Gifts of Self Compassion

“I’m too old not to be on my own side.” (Maya Angelou)

Actually, you’re never too young to be on your own side. Developing self-compassion offers a multitude of benefits, some which may seem counterintuitive. For instance, you might think that taking the drill sergeant approach with yourself about reducing your chocolate or smoking habit would help to achieve your aim. However, studies have shown that dieters and smokers who offer themselves self-compassion rather than self-condemnation eat less sweets and have greater reductions in smoking than control subjects (Adams & Leary, 2007; Kelly et al, 2010).

In fact, in the smoking study, those individuals who weren’t particularly ready to decrease their smoking or were especially self-critical actually showed the most rapid reduction in their smoking. So, if you think that you’re not “motivated” enough for self-compassion to work, or if you tend to be extremely hard on yourself, take heart — self-compassion may make a huge difference in your life, and more quickly than you expect.

In addition, self-compassion may lessen the tendency to put off important tasks. Among college students, one study found that a high level of self-compassion was associated with less procrastination and higher motivation to complete assignments (Williams et al, 2008). Given that college is often the training ground for patterns later on in life, this is significant.

Therefore, you might want to take stock of your current level of self-compassion. The following items are taken from Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Scale (Neff, 2003):

• I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.
• I try to see my failings as part of the human condition.
• When I’m feeling down I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.
• I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies.
• When I fail at something that’s important to me, I tend to feel alone in my failure.
• When something upsets me I get carried away with my feelings.

The first three items are indications of your levels of self-kindness, recognition that we’re all only human, and mindfulness, as discussed in a past article. So, if you’re generally in agreement with these statements, you’re fairly high in self-compassion.

The last three items reflect attitudes of low self-compassion that are likely to contribute to serious and chronic emotional discomfort. Self-judgment, a sense of “terminal uniqueness”, and a tendency to be hijacked by one’s feelings aren’t pleasant in the long run — or even in the short run, in most cases.

So, do yourself a favor, and recognize that although offering yourself self-compassion may seem awkward and unfamiliar at first, it’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself, not only this holiday season, but for the rest of your life.