Moving Through Grief and Loss
When I visited my mother several weeks ago, I never imagined that her home and thousands of others would be reduced to ash two days later. It seems unfathomable that entire communities could be decimated so quickly. The horrific wildfires in Los Angeles and their unparalleled destruction hammer home the reality that none of us is immune to loss, shock, and grief.
All of us will experience loss at some point in our lives. A loved one may pass away. We might receive a dire medical diagnosis. A cherished home might be destroyed by a fire, hurricane, flood, or other natural disaster. We might be let go from a job we maintained for twenty or thirty years. We might gradually realize that a close relationship will not ever be what we wanted it to be. We might learn that our spouse has cheated on us.
Even if we somehow avoid the above losses, there are what called Necessary Losses, as described in the book by Judith Viorst, which we must experience to truly grow up emotionally. For instance, we will inevitably lose our youth and associated energy. Also, we must let go of unrealistic expectations we’ve placed on relationships, circumstances, and ourselves to behave in certain ways. Coming to terms with life as it actually is, rather than how we think it should be, will involve grieving. And we can become better and stronger people as a result of this journey.
There is no shortcut, though. Sometimes people attempt a “spiritual bypass”, a tendency to use spiritual explanations to avoid having uncomfortable feelings and realizations. For example, we might intellectualize that a painful event is a “learning experience”, which is true, but this isn’t the whole story. Trying to “rise above” pain and loss in such a way is both a misuse of such practices and doesn’t allow for our true selves to emerge. If our feelings stay unacknowledged or expressed, this separates us from our truth and can alienate us from others who could provide support.
On a related note, “toxic positivity” can also be a sign of spiritual bypassing. Toxic positivity refers to a belief that unpleasant or “negative” feelings should be avoided like the plague. Comments such as “cheer up”, “look on the bright side”, or “it could be worse” are examples of toxic positivity.
It can be hard to trust someone who is constantly upbeat and who never shows vulnerability. Such a person can seem inauthentic and be almost impossible to really get to know or relax around. Whose life goes exactly according to expectations? Nobody’s. So, it’s natural to be a bit upset (think “upsetting the apple cart”) when we lose something important to us.
If we buy into toxic positivity, there can be the sense of feeling inadequate or faulty if we express fear, sadness, anger, or another “forbidden” emotion. We develop emotional perfectionism, meaning that in our minds there is a right way and a wrong way to feel about our loss, and we berate ourselves mercilessly if we stray from our unrealistic standards. Talk about rubbing salt into a wound.
It is vital to own our feelings and let them flow through us to eventually emerge on the other side. We will be touched by our loss – there’s no way to avoid this. As poet Robert Frost said, “The only way around is through”. Otherwise, we run the risk of developing a “false self”, the persona we feel will be accepted by others (and ourselves). In so doing, we become alienated from our authentic selves, which creates its own sort of problems and pain. People can lose themselves through investing in and identifying with this false self.
Some thoughts on healthy grieving:
- Grief can coexist with gratitude, love, joy, and interest in life. We can keep going and show up for ourselves and others, even as we grieve. Of course, there may be moments or longer periods of time when we sense the need to be alone and quiet, and such hunches are to be listened to and honored. However, continuing our engagement with life is possible and highly recommended, so that we can connect with other people and not lose our sense of competence and usefulness. Otherwise, even people who have been functioning quite well can run the risk of suffering a loss, entering a period of isolation, and eventually losing their sense of competency and usefulness.
- Grief does not have a timeline. Decades ago, psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief, namely denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many people thus developed the idea that one moves through these stages one by one and in a particular order, but it isn’t that simple. There is no specific sequence or timeframe in which we move through grief, and everyone’s journey is different. Often, we can feel more than one emotion at a time. For instance, we can simultaneously feel anger and depression. In addition, an emotion, for instance anger, may diminish for some time, only to flare up again later. There is no wrong way to grieve, aside from refusing to do so – which won’t ultimately work anyway. As the saying goes, “When we bury feelings, we bury them alive”. They will eventually arise in some manner, and it could be destructive, such as a new medical condition, lashing out at other people, or addictive behavior. All things considered, it’s less painful over the long run to face our grief and work through it.
- Grief can show up as anxiety. After all, we had placed a lot of importance on someone or something, and now we must regain our emotional (and oftentimes practical) footing, which doesn’t happen overnight and isn’t easy. As we adapt to the loss, it follows that at times we’ll run a bit low in self-confidence. We’ll wonder how we’re going to cope. We might develop symptoms associated with anxiety, such as a rapid heart rate, shakiness, nausea or other digestive problems, headaches, or racing thoughts. Sometimes these symptoms are due to the grief itself. Either way, feeling on edge is often part of the grief journey.
- Feeling numb can be part of the grief journey. People in mourning often state “I can’t believe it”. This is natural, especially (but not only) if the loss comes unexpectedly. We are adjusting to a seismic shift in our reality. The comprehension that someone or thing which meant a great deal to us is suddenly gone, sometimes forever, does not come easily.
- Tending to our health through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep can nurture us as we move through grief. Even if we’ve lost our appetite or eat for emotional reasons, feel too sluggish to get off the couch, or toss and turn in bed at night, we can endeavor to take small, manageable steps to nurture ourselves. Doing so will give us some sense of stability and routine as we navigate our grief journey.
- One caveat –we are talking about “good enough” here, not perfection. Trying to be perfect about health matters can become an attempt to “fix” our feelings and gain a sense of control. While understandable, such a focus can leave less room for our relationships, both with other people and ourselves, and other important parts of our lives. This would be taking a good thing too far.
- We can honor what we have lost through a memorial service, creating an online or physical location to post photos, videos, letters, and other recollections, or keeping a journal of our feelings. At the same time as we dearly and deeply miss what is no more, we can keep in mind that nothing can take away our cherished memories and experiences.
- Talking with trusted family, friends, clergy, a therapist, a mentor, or a support group can be profoundly healing. Grief can bring us to connect and bond with other people, if we are willing to be vulnerable. If we have shared a common loss, we can mourn together and, in time, work together towards a promising (albeit different than expected) future. If our grief is due to an incident involving just ourselves, support from other trusted sources can still shine a light when ours has become dim or feels as if it’s been extinguished.
- Music, art, singing, and dance can help us to access our feelings if we become shut down emotionally. We can pursue such creative outlets intentionally, through listening to a meaningful Spotify playlist or singing to ourselves. Sometimes music can catch us caught off-guard if, for example, we hear a song which reminds us of our loss (and our associated love) and evokes powerful emotions. Either way, don’t underestimate the power of music and art to sneak in the back door of your heart.
- Spending some time in nature, be it the mountains, beach, desert, a nearby park, or one’s own garden, can help us to relax into and process our feelings. Nature can also give us a better perspective on life in its many forms and our current emotional struggle. We can look beyond ourselves to the bigger picture and feel connected with a greater whole, while still owning our grief.
Ultimately, grief is a sign that we cared deeply about someone or something that is no longer present in our lives. Grief means that we recognize the importance of something we have lost. If we never cared about anything, we wouldn’t have anything to grieve (other than the loss of a life not fully lived). Grief is the flip side of love. You cannot have one without the other.