Why Recovery From Eating Disorders Must Include Recovery From Perfectionism
True recovery from an eating disorder, be it anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating, or “garden variety” (but no less damaging) compulsive overeating, requires recovery from perfectionism (which doesn’t have to be “perfect”, by the way).
It’s so seductive to believe that once we reach the right weight, eat only organic foods, fit into a size 2, stop throwing up, etc., we can make progress with other issues in our lives. For instance, we could:
- Apply for that challenging but intriguing job.
- Speak with that attractive neighbor. Study a second (or third) language.
- Attend a pool party (and wear a bathing suit).
- Leave that unhealthy relationship.
The list could include seemingly trivial items such as doing the laundry, taking a walk, and reorganizing our bathroom cabinet.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Learning to live with uncomfortable feelings, be they a result of our external circumstances or situations within our control, is a skill that people with eating disorders (as well as people in general) may not have learned sufficiently well. And, let’s face it – how many of us were taught this skill in school? Some of us may have picked it up in the course of day-to-day life, but it’s quite possible that we didn’t.
Perhaps we hit on the idea of controlling our diet, body, or weight with the belief that once we do so the rest of our lives will go smoothly. It’s a seductive belief, isn’t it? Many ads for weight loss programs promote this idea. However, it can be a seemingly great excuse to procrastinate, which can lead to paralysis and possibly, in the long run, hopelessness and profound depression.
The truth is that even if we reach that “perfect” physical state, we aren’t magically endowed with life skills such as tolerating and learning from uncomfortable feelings and self-compassion. Getting along well with others, self-assertiveness, courage, and being able to hear and follow our intuition will not suddenly appear in our lives of their own accord, without practice on our part.
And practice on our part requires us to accept that we will not do these things perfectly, certainly not at the get-go, and probably not ever. And that’s okay! The most dangerous choice to make is to put life on hold until we get this food/weight/body thing together.
Self-compassion, rather than perfectionism, will serve us well on our journey. Self-compassion does not excuse or condone unskillful behavior but enables us to see that even if we made a mistake, it doesn’t mean that we are a mistake. Beating ourselves up isn’t an effective way to move forward. Acknowledging our efforts, however messy they might be, encourages us to keep going. In the process, if we intend to learn from (rather than judge) our missteps, we build emotional muscles.
We don’t build strength from “waiting until tomorrow” to do challenging but constructive things but staying within our comfort zone in the meanwhile. “Tomorrow” can become “next week”, “next year”, and perhaps eventually “never”. This applies to recovery from an eating disorder as well as developing (and maintaining) healthy relationships, choosing (and pursuing) a fulfilling career path, going back to school, or recovering from (or managing) a chronic illness.
Black-and-white thinking in the food arena (“I ate one cookie, I might as well eat the whole bag”) can easily spread into other areas (“I don’t know how to make small talk, so I won’t say anything at all”) and significantly limit our lives.
Be willing to let things be imperfect, be it in your relationship with food, your body, other people, your emotions, school, or work. Accept your perfect imperfections. It’s the best way to heal in many ways.