Responding Wisely To Your Inner Critic

Let’s face it: most of us have an inner critic who just. won’t. quit.

It chimes in when you're trying on clothes ("Not those pants again"), when you're sending an email ("You sound unprofessional"), and especially when you’re about to do something meaningful or vulnerable, like start a new job, ask someone out, or say no to something you usually say yes to.

This voice often sounds authoritative. It uses words like “should,” “always,” and “never,” and it rarely has anything constructive to offer. Mostly, it makes you feel like you’re doing life wrong.

So it’s natural to want to shut it up—maybe with a swift internal punch or a mental door slam. But oddly enough, fighting your inner critic rarely makes it go away. If anything, it tends to come back louder, like a raccoon you tried to shoo off your porch but who now thinks you’re in a long-term relationship.

So what do you do instead?

1. Start with This: The Critic Isn’t “Bad”—It’s Just Overworked

It might seem like your inner critic is out to sabotage you, but it’s usually trying—awkwardly—to protect you. Its tactics are questionable, yes, but its goal is often noble: “Keep this person safe from embarrassment, failure, rejection, shame, disappointment, or emotional risk.”

The critic usually learned its job a long time ago. Maybe you grew up in a home where approval was conditional, or where mistakes weren’t safe. Maybe you internalized harsh feedback from teachers, peers, or social media. And now there’s a part of you that believes: If I just criticize myself first, I can beat others to the punch—or avoid the punch entirely.

But here’s the problem: that strategy starts to run on autopilot, and it often ends up hurting you more than helping. Especially when you’re actually doing just fine.

2. Give It a Name (and Maybe Even a Little Personality)

Naming the critic helps you create space between you and it. Instead of absorbing its voice as truth, you start to see it as just one part of a much larger internal committee.

Some people choose lighthearted names—“Judgey McJudgerson,” “The Taskmaster,” or “Debbie Downer.” Others go for archetypes: “The Perfectionist,” “The Protector,” “The Scared Teen.” You can even picture what it looks like. A worried owl in glasses? A strict nun with a clipboard? A well-meaning but anxious life coach hopped up on espresso?

When you know who you’re dealing with, it becomes easier to listen with curiosity instead of dread.

3. Notice the Pattern: When Does It Show Up?

The inner critic tends to follow predictable rhythms. It may show up when:

• You’re doing something new

• You’re trying to rest or play

• You’re opening up to someone

• You’re trying something where the outcome isn’t guaranteed

• You’re feeling emotionally raw, tired, or hungry

Sometimes just noticing that it’s that time again helps you soften toward yourself. You might say, “Ah, of course you're here. I’m stretching my comfort zone, and you’re nervous.”

This isn't about indulging the critic—it's about understanding that its presence is often a sign that you’re moving toward something that matters.

4. Curiosity Beats Combat

You may be tempted to argue with your inner critic. But here’s the problem: when you argue with a part of yourself, it usually doubles down. It wants to be heard. So instead of debating, dialogue.

Ask:

• “What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t listen to you?”

• “What are you trying to protect me from?”

• “How old is this fear?”

You might be surprised by the answers. Sometimes the critic is carrying beliefs from a much younger version of you who needed protection or control to feel safe. Other times, it’s echoing someone else’s voice entirely.

Once you understand where it’s coming from, you can begin to offer reassurance instead of resistance.

5. Bring In Your Inner Adult—or Inner Wisdom

Imagine if a kind, capable, steady version of you could respond to that inner critic. One who’s lived a little. Who knows that making mistakes doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Who can acknowledge the fears without letting them drive the bus.

This voice might say things like:

• “I hear that you’re scared of being judged. And I’ve got it handled.”

• “It’s okay to take a risk. Growth involves some messiness.”

• “You don’t have to earn your worth by being perfect.”

This inner adult isn’t loud or flashy. But it’s the part of you that can look the critic in the eye and say, kindly but firmly, “Thank you. But I’m going to do this my way.”

6. Regulate First. Think Later.

When your inner critic is in full rant mode, it’s often a sign that your nervous system is dysregulated. The body says “I’m not safe,” and the brain tries to explain why—with judgment.

So before trying to fix or reframe, try grounding.

A few options:

• Feel your feet against the floor

• Look around the room and name five colors you see

• Place your hand over your heart and take a slow breath

• Press your palms together and feel the pressure

These small actions help your body shift from alarm to awareness. Once your system feels more steady, the critic’s voice may naturally turn down—or at least, lose its grip.

7. The Critic Loves Isolation. Connection Softens It.

Self-criticism thrives in silence and secrecy. When you share what you're struggling with—whether in therapy, with a friend, or in a journal—it takes the critic off its pedestal. You realize, “Oh… I’m not the only one who thinks like this.”

Being seen by someone else, especially when you're vulnerable, is one of the best ways to dismantle shame. And the critic, more often than not, is fueled by shame.

8. Use Gentle Accountability

Sometimes the critic is trying to get you to follow through on something: show up, work hard, do better. But when that voice is harsh, it can lead to shutdown or rebellion rather than action.

So try this instead:

• Set compassionate goals.

• Create rituals that support your values, not your shame.

• Use reminders that encourage instead of threaten.

For example, instead of “You better not screw this up,” try: “Remember why this matters to you.” A sticky note, a mantra, a brief check-in with someone who believes in you—these can all be forms of self-support that feel firm but kind.

9. Reassign, Don’t Fire, the Critic

Eventually, you may find that your critic has some useful qualities: discernment, drive, attention to detail. These aren’t inherently bad—they’ve just been used in service of fear instead of care.

What if, instead of banishing this part of you, you gave it a new job? Quality control, not identity police. Project planner, not self-esteem wrecker.

It may take time, but many people find that their fiercest critics can, with care, become loyal (if slightly neurotic) allies.

To Sum Up:

Your inner critic isn’t evil—it’s just scared and overworked. And it’s not the boss of you. With curiosity, grounding, connection, and a good dose of self-compassion, you can learn to listen without obeying.

So the next time that voice pipes up with “Who do you think you are?” you can smile (or smirk) and say, “Someone who’s learning. Someone who’s growing. Someone who doesn’t need to be perfect to be enough.”

And then go do the thing. Even if your inner critic thinks your pants are wrong.