Falling Back In Love...With Yourself: Gottman Tools For Your Inner Relationship
When most people hear the name Gottman, they think of couples’ therapy—love maps, bids for connection, repair attempts, the infamous “four horsemen.” It’s all about strengthening bonds, building trust, and keeping love alive. But here’s the plot twist: those same tools aren’t just for romantic partners. They’re also brilliant for deepening the most important relationship you’ll ever have—the one you have with yourself.
Think about it: you are your own constant companion. You eat, sleep, daydream, procrastinate, and worry with yourself. You also dream, laugh, and occasionally dance in your kitchen with yourself (yes, I see you). Since you’re in this thing together for life, doesn’t it make sense to treat that inner relationship with the same intentionality you’d bring to a marriage?
Here’s how to apply some Gottman classics to your inner life.
1. Build Your Inner Love Map
In Gottman-land, a “love map” means knowing the details of your partner’s inner world—favorite snacks, secret worries, long-term dreams. Applied inward, it’s about slowing down enough to notice what’s happening inside you right now.
Ask yourself:
What’s been weighing on me this week?
What am I secretly hoping for?
What small joy could I give myself today?
Even writing these down or saying them aloud creates a sense of intimacy with yourself. You become more than just a head on autopilot—you become someone you know and care about. And here’s a fun experiment: treat yourself like a fascinating character in a novel. Observe your quirks with curiosity instead of judgment. It makes life a lot more interesting—and compassionate.
2. Notice (and Respond to) Your Bids
Bids are those little requests for attention in relationships: “Hey, come look at this funny video” or “Want to go on a walk?” When ignored, bids chip away at closeness.
Now, imagine your own bids. Your body says, “I’m thirsty,” or “I need a stretch.” Your spirit whispers, “It’s been forever since we painted, or played piano, or called a friend.” Do you respond—or dismiss them as inconvenient?
Each time you respond kindly to these inner bids, you build self-trust. It’s like telling yourself, “I’ve got your back.” Over time, this can shift your entire baseline of self-worth. Small acts of listening, multiplied, equal a deeper friendship with yourself.
3. Practice Gentle Startups (With Yourself)
The Gottmans found that arguments often fail because they start harshly: “You never listen!” or “You’re so selfish.” Sound familiar? A lot of us use that same harshness internally. (“Ugh, I can’t believe I’m so lazy.”)
Gentle startup = kindness + clarity. Try:
Instead of: “You’re a disaster.”
Try: “I feel anxious about this mess. I need five minutes to tidy up.”
This isn’t sugarcoating—it’s simply treating yourself as someone worthy of respect. Spoiler: you are.
4. Watch for the Four Horsemen (and Invite in Their Antidotes)
The Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—predict the downfall of relationships. They’re equally corrosive when turned inward.
Criticism: “You always screw things up.”
Contempt: “You’re pathetic.”
Defensiveness: “It’s not me—it’s everyone else.”
Stonewalling: zoning out with endless scrolling or numbing out.
The antidotes?
Criticism → Self-compassion: “I messed up, but that doesn’t define me.”
Contempt → Respect: “I deserve care, even when I stumble.”
Defensiveness → Accountability: “I see my part, and I can grow from it.”
Stonewalling → Self-soothing: a walk, music, deep breaths—something that brings you back.
5. Make Repair Attempts (Because You’ll Mess Up)
Even in thriving relationships, missteps happen. The key is repairing. Same with your inner life: you’ll skip the gym, stay up too late, ignore your feelings, or binge on tasks that don’t matter.
Instead of spiraling into shame, try repair:
“Okay, that didn’t go how I hoped. Let’s start again tomorrow.”
“I forgive myself—lesson learned.”
“Note to self: maybe no more iced coffee after 4 p.m.”
Repair builds resilience. It keeps your inner bond strong even when life gets messy. Think of it like patching a favorite old sweater—imperfection doesn’t ruin its value, it actually makes it more beloved.
6. Share Fondness and Admiration
One of the Gottmans’ favorite practices is to actively name what you love and admire about your partner. Guess what? Your inner relationship needs that too.
Each evening, try jotting down three things you appreciate about yourself. They can be big (“I stood up for myself in that meeting”) or tiny (“I wore socks that made me smile”). Over time, this rewires your brain to see yourself not as a project to fix but as a person to celebrate. And yes—celebrating yourself can feel awkward at first, but it’s also surprisingly fun.
Closing Thought
The Gottmans often say that friendship is at the heart of every strong marriage. And it turns out, that’s also true for your inner world. The more you build your love map, respond to your bids, speak kindly, and repair when you fall short, the more solid and loving your relationship with yourself becomes.
Because you’re not just your own roommate. You’re your lifelong partner-in-crime. And the more you nurture that bond, the more you’ll find yourself showing up in the world with a steadier, warmer, and more authentic kind of love.
So go ahead—take yourself out for coffee, answer your own texts (aka feelings), and maybe even write yourself a love note. You deserve it.